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10 July 2011 @ 06:34 pm
I don't know why I bother sometimes.  
I've been home from University for possibly 2 weeks and so far all I've had is insult after insult after insult. The first thing I had when I got home was my mother calling me fat, saying how much weight i've put on (which is only about 5lbs) and how bad it looks and how much she can tell I've put on weight to the extent she's made me paranoid about my appearence. Its as if she gets off on dragging my self esteem down to rock bottom, with everything else going down with it. I don't feel confident at all now, with how I look, my appearence. I don't look in the mirror, when I look down at my self I feel disgusted, I don't know, but I feel like I am one of those obese people from tv, the ones that just stay in bed all day because they're to fat to move and I don't like it. I have been home 2 weeks and barely eaten anything due to this, I am undeserving of food. INfact the most consecutive meals I've had was when I was at my friends house for 3 days and that's because they had given me food, I could hardly not eat it when they provided it me. The stupid thing is, I came home from uni early (I finished my exams and we had about a month of our accomodation left afterwards) due to the fact the canteen food was so bad that I wasn't eating anything, so I begged my parents to come home so I could have some decent meals, eat edible food... but then that hasn't happened. It just makes me so sad, like I don't belong to the family. Like I have no purpose.
          The other thing is, they're not exactly making me feel welcome, infact if anything my family at home are trying to push me out. I've been sat in the living room and a cup of tea has been offered to everyone except me, like I don't exist, like I'm not even there! I feel alone, unloved, and like I don't belong. Like no one wants me there or even likes me. I feel alone in the world. My family, yet again dragging my esteem down with everything else. My self perception gone right down the drain yet again. the funny thing is this only seems to happen when I am at home. I am so glad I booked tickets to portugal, so glad I'm going away for a month. I know one thing, when I go back to uni for my second year, I'm barely going to visit at all.
        Ahh and now we're back on to uni, fun times, I've been going out with a guy for about 3 months now, and for three months he shows me barely any affection, for two months he acted like he wasn't even going out with me, only showing any attention to me if we were on our own, and ignoring me like I didn't even exist in public. The worst one, the one that made me feel really hurt was when I was over at my friends house, who ofcourse would know and did know when I was going out with someone, everytime she left the room he would be all over me, grabbing my hand and holding it, but the minute she walked back into the room he would lean as far away from me as possible, chucking my hand away as if it was a piece of shit. I felt like he was ashamed with me, in the worst possible way. but ofcourse I carried on going out with him, due to the fact I felt like no one else wanted me, i'd be alone. The worst thing was, a friend, well a recent friend who I'd only made a few months ago kept talking to me, being the niave being I am I thought he liked me as a friend, nothing more, but I just kept pushing him away, I doubt he likes me now, I don't know. But I wish I could go back in time and change things. Especially when I've seen how bad my current boyfriend can be. I think the only reason he even shows me any attention now is because he got caught. I went out to a nightclub with a friend, when we arrived barely anyone was there as we got there quite early, except there were two other people there, two girls. I chatted away to them, got to know them, became friends with them too. When one felt a bit ill later on in the night we went to the roof terrace to get some air, only when we got to the top she ran off after looking inside. Me and the other girl followed, finding her in the toilet where she was saying about how she saw a guy up there and it hurt her, this guy who had been going out with her for two months and then dumped her, saying he liked her, but liked someone else better. She went on about how he was going out with her and someone else at the same time. Turned out its the guy I'm going out with. Perhaps I should feel special that he liked me more, but then again, he was a dickhead for that. Now he's giving me the cold shoulder, he won't talk to me unless I start the conversation, even then he will barely talk. He's always talking to some american girl he met online, apparently this stranger is more important to him that me, his girlfriend. Now this girl has split up with her boyfriend and is constantly putting things on her tumblr, all like " I wish I could be with you" and "why do you have to be so far away" maybe I'm just paranoid, I have no idea. now my only problem is is it too wrong to split up with someone over skype? its cowardly, yes, but if I don't I will be with him until september, when we return. I can't deal with that, in a relationship where I seem like nothing.

this is such a ranty, depressing first post, I know, and i apologise. The future ones will be better though, I promise! Especially my next one, which ofcourse I will be posting today, of mine and my friends journey to London and the Doctor Who experience. I'm not an emo, I promise!
Current Location: United Kingdom,
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Its the end of the world as we know it - R.E.M.